Fear kills Joy and Love
Fear. We know what it is and we have learned how hard it is to simply turn it off, however we need to understand how important abolishing fear truly is.
Imagine a large concrete pipe. Imagine this pipe being about 7 feet high and wide. It is only 10 feet long. You are on one side of this pipe and a large ball of radiating love is on the other. This ball of love is like a little pulsating sun casting out warm beams of love light in all directions. Your conduit to this wonderful love light is through the pipe. As the love light bathes your body you feel warm, content and in joy.
Not imagine that every time you get mad, sad or afraid (mad and sad are still fear) a brick is placed in the center of the pipe. As you continue to live life you block up the warm love light and it can no longer get through. You know that it exists. You know that it is, but you simply don’t feel its warmth anymore. You believe that it is your lover’s fault, or your children, or your career or even the world, but ultimately each time you were hurt, threatened or hurt others you blocked up the pipe. The only way to allow the warmth back through is to take these blocks down.
What do we do instead? We simply ignore or try to justify our past mistakes and hurts and add more blocks to the pipe. We simply continue to “stash” our pain and it never actually goes away. It is not like a cold that simply vanishes over time, it is like a great garbage dump that simply gets larger and larger and ultimately blocks us from the “the sunlight of the spirit”.
All defects are fear
All bad feelings are fear
All mistakes of the past cause fear
All broken instincts are in fear
All relationships end because of fear
Fear is the root of all emotional, mental and spiritual pain. We must learn to Love more, Fear less. A philosopher once said, “Fear is selfishness, give selflessness and give fear away”. This is very true, but ultimately, regardless of the technique the only one that can abolish my fear is my perspective.
My lover was afraid of the dark. She told me to walk her to the car. I said, “Sure but let me ask you this...will it be less dark if I go?” She said, “No but you make me feel safe.” You see? It is not the dark that she is afraid of. She is afraid of what may happen to her in the dark and if she has a large man there she will be safe. It is not fear of the dark. She has convinced herself over time that danger lurks and if it is dark she is in danger of being hurt. Her perspective is also telling her if she has a guard she is safe. Where did her perspective decide that my body size is large enough to handle anything that may be lurking. What is lurking? What is it that is going to get us? What if there are ten of them waiting for us? Won’t I be hurt too? When did her perspective decide that SHE is not big enough to handle whatever is out there? Why is 2 of us somehow the perfectly safe number? Why does light or the absence of it change the landscape? Won’t the same things be lurking whether there is darkness or bright light?
Our fears are most often not logical. They are real to us, but they are baked out of a child’s mind through life trauma. We revert to the mindset of 7 when we turned the lights on to feel safe. Ghosts can’t live in the light? Does a 60 watt bulb disintegrate vampires? Make a fears inventory and ask yourself why you have these fears? What instincts are being threatened by them? What defective character have you used to defend them? When you were in panic did you feel joy? Love? Happiness?
Fear kills love and joy. That is the truth. The more afraid you get in your relationship the less good feelings you feel.
Oh know what if he isn’t the right fit for me?
What if she leaves me?
What if he cheats?
What if she finds someone better?
What if he is faking it?
What if she gets heavy and I don’t find her attractive?
What if he starts drinking again?
What if she stops caring about me?
What if he is bad with the kids?
What if she stops working?
What If I can’t provide for her?
What If I am not good enough?
What if she doesn’t like the way I make love?
What if he is only settling for me?
What if she lies all the time?
What if he's crazy and keeps hurting my feelings?
What if she abandons me every time she's mad?
What if he yells
What if she breaks her promise?
What if he can’t stand my family?
What if she jealous of my ex?
What if he won’t let me have personal time?
What if she won't let me do what I want with my life?
What if he won’t grow with me?
What if she constantly condemns me?
What if he won’t stop making fun of me?
What if she won’t be kind?
What if he won’t listen?
What if she won't like my kids?
What if he won't have kids with me?
The list goes on and on and on. After the mating period, where everyone was dishonest and hiding their true self, the real self manifests and the fears are developed. Fear fosters arguments, pain, misunderstanding and trust issues. Fear keeps us up at night and in doubt all day. Fear clouds our minds and develops into one or the other instinctual responses: fight or flight. Argue or leave. Hit or hide. Shout or doubt. Condemn or abandon. We are in stark fear. We can ignore it, or perhaps lecture endlessly. We can try and manage the other into behaving better so that they don’t scare us, but quite often this back fires and more fear is developed. We can fall into escapism such as lust, drugs, booze, tv, food, travel or work, but the moment we come back to reality the fear is waiting for us. Our conduit is blocked even further and our loved one starts to look different. Less appealing, less valuable and eventually we feel we are in a miss match.
The real action item is to work on YOU. Build your clarity. Build your philosophy. Free YOU from addiction. Change YOUR perspective and let fear go. Then look around. Your partner will have changed with you or your partner will change. Either way you will be with your mirror. No need to worry. Your lesson is YOUR life. What is your philosophy? What do you believe? Do you believe that someone can make you happy, sad, joyful or miserable? If you are feeling these feelings then it is within YOU. Hurt people hurt people. Loving people love people and joyful people are surrounded by reasons to be joyful. Your experience is within YOU.
Imagine winning the lottery. You have all of the money you could ever need! Congratulations! Then you drop a 10 lb sledge on your open foot. It breaks 3 toes! Ouch! What are you thinking about now? YOUR broken foot. It consumes all of your current thought. It pushes out the joy of winning the lottery as you jump around holding your toes and screaming. This is how fear pushes out love. It becomes the primary focus. The urgent issue and whether it’s Christmas Day or New Years Eve makes no difference. You could be on your way to walking the aisle and saying your vows, but if you are super afraid you could start fighting with your spouse to be on the way to the preacher.
Letting fear go is the only way to build continual joy with your loving partner. But to do this you will need to work a great deal on your past, your hang ups and your addictions. They are going to have to go. You can’t ignore them any longer. Leave your partner alone, love them and work on YOU.
We need to understand
1. What love is
2. What intimacy is
3. How to find our fit
4. How to abolish fear
5. How to develop own personal joy
If you can encourage these transfers then you will watch the romantic flowers bloom in your world. What is the pathway to joy? Love more, Fear less