Finding the Right Relationship
This is a big statement: How do I find the right person for me
Even bigger statement: How do I stay in the right relationship once I have found it
You could not make a mistake in whoever you select at this moment. The correct fit would simply find you. Anyone that you select is the right fit for who you are RIGHT now. Now think about that statement. Who you are RIGHT now. If you are broken then you will find a broken partner. If you are healthy then you will attract someone healthy. If you are in your power zone of truth, confidence and passion then so will your partner be. Your fit is always present. There is no such thing as lower companions. Due to The Law of Reflection, we all attract our teachers and mirrors to guide us. So if you are an active addict or addicted to active addicts, then you will constantly attract addicts. This is as certain as gravity. So you see, it isn’t about finding them, it is more about building YOU. As you change then your universe of reflections will as well.
I had a client ask me one time, “How do I change my husband. He is so broken.”
I told her, “I promise that if you leave him alone and work on you, then the person who you sleep with will change.”
She said, “Then he will change?”
I responded, “Not necessarily. I simply meant if you change then the person you sleep with will be different...or they will be different. Get it?”
This is the rule: One Grows, One Goes
We don’t have to struggle to find the perfect mate. We need to work harder at BEING the better mate. Then our partners will simply be different. If you have fear, then they will. If you are depressed, they will give you reason to be. If you are a lier, they will be dishonest. The reflection concept can be defined in psychological, metaphysical, or spiritual terms. How and why this is truth is less important than the fact that it is. Isn’t it interesting that when and addict gets recovery their circle of influence suddenly is sober addicts. They believe that this is a decision. It is gravity. If you are a thief then don’t leave your friends alone in your bathroom, they will steal your medicine. This is one of the primary reasons for suspicion. A jealous woman suspects her husband of cheating constantly, why because all of her men have been cheaters in the past. This says something about HER. She lies or cheats in her life. Maybe not with other men, but in some area of her life she is not real and then is surprised by her lovers being dishonest. They are hungry for validation and use women as a tool to feel okay, and she either does the same or is using him as a drug to feel okay. She is not in LOVE.
There is a book by Michael Talbot called The Holographic Universe. It is a book about the mirror concept being acknowledged by religious, metaphysical and scientific minds. It is an interesting read. But if you look around you will find so many philosophers and teachers talking about this concept in various words. So what is the concept. Your world is a wondrous collection of mirrors reflecting some message of YOU to YOU. Your messy car and unkept room, says something about your inner self. Your body tells a story about your self esteem. Your friends, coworkers and family will constantly reveal aspects of YOU to YOU. So if your world is a reflection of your inner self, then 12 step programs must have it very correct: It is an inside job.
So before we begin looking for a match that isn’t a match, perhaps we should develop ourselves into an appropriate match? Sounds backwards? If you don’t fit you won’t last. If you fit your partner you will feel like it is a message from Heaven that you were meant for each other. But even, broken addicts with all sorts of instinct issues, trauma problems and defective character can claim this fantastic sense of “perfect match” with another just like themselves. It doesn’t mean that they are healthy humans, it simply means that they recognize at some level that they have found a very accurate mirror of themselves and something deeper in them says, “Ah now we will see truth.” But, after awhile the pain that all humans experience with broken behavior and disruptive blocks pushes the fit apart in search for a better fit. No, not a better match, but rather a need to become a better partner so that they can grow and find joy in the correct and healthy human waiting for them. This is universal law. It is gravity.
So before we go looking for someone to fix us, we must fix us.
Once in awhile a broken fitted pair will both stand up and decide together to grow. This is a rare event, but when it occurs one of two things happens:
1. They grow a bond that is out of a movie romance and live happily ever after
2. They recognize that they are no longer a match (even though they both have grown well) and separate to find their new fit(s)
Both of these results are joyful. Separation is not bad. If it is honest and based on clear vision, then it is Love in action. If it is based on fear then it is avoidance of growth then they will only yield the exact same lesson down the road in a new package. We can’t escape who we are, since we are always present in every situation, and the world only reflects YOU to YOU. So who are we running away from? A bad marriage, the wrong person, the avoidance of pain or perhaps simply ourselves and the refusal to change.
If you change and develop then your partner should too. If you are a person that craves personal growth, then eventually you will outgrow your partner. You will not necessarily be a better human, but you will simply alter yourself so much that one day you will feel that the love has simply gone away. Love does not go away. The fit is simply not there any longer since you have become a new YOU. However, patience and inventory will help you to recognize if your lover is simply just a few feet away from you and needs more time to catch up to the new YOU or if they are forever no longer a fit.
Remember: One Grows, One Goes, unless both Grow together.
Makes no difference HOW you grow. Perhaps you are a church person and they are a 12 step person. Or perhaps you climb, hike and meditate and they love personal development groups. Either way, as long as you are on the same path to personal awareness and learning similar lessons, makes no difference who the teacher(s) are.
So once again: You will always attract your match. Your perfect fit is your most clear mirror. The person that you can see your reflection in. If your instincts, habits, or hang ups are broken then their’s will be too. No need to hunt online for the perfect soulmate. Your soulmate is already next to you. But, if you want more from your matches, then you must grow more. If you want honesty, respect, joyful passion and depth then you must develop your attributes. If you want someone who doesn’t use YOU? Then you must not use them. If you want a partner that is commitment material then you must also be. Change you and your matches will change. Simple.
So what do we change: Time for inventory. The goal is to know ourselves and our hurts, habits and hangups. We must build trust and transference with our client so that they are prepared to take a forensic look at their deeper self. We do this through inventory:
a. Personality Profile
b. Moral Inventory
c. Fears Inventory
d. Instinct Identification
e. Sex Conduct Inventory (conduct ideal development and partnership ideal) we will dig deeper into this later
f. Addiction tests
g. Trauma timeline
h. Fantasy and dream development
After we build an accurate Client Profile we should be able to ascertain:
a. Personality drivers and what type of person talks to our agenda
b. A list of defects that we use to defend our broken instincts and a block of life that must be mended
c. What scares us is what moves us into broken behavior or arrests positive behavior
d. What instincts are hyperactive and what buttons set us off worse
e. What is OUR conduct code and who is our current potential fit/match
f. Identify if addiction: substance/co-dependance/or obsession is disrupting our world
g. Identify if we have past trauma or pervasive trauma that needs to be reinterpreted
h. Develop our objectives more clearly through fantasy and goal inventory so we can build an honest and healthy plan
All of the inventory data should be partnered up with your personal assessment of age, gender, persuasion, attitudes, philosophy and general understanding of how the world works so that you can build a plan that guides yourself to the most loving successful objective(s). It is about OUR joy and not our judgement.
One of my clients was a self professed Polyamorous human being. They felt quite comfortable with the idea of loving more then one human being at a time and giving their partners the same freedom. This was their personal persuasion and they wished me to help them polish their personal perspectives and find other like minded humans to engage with. My personal relational boundaries are not going to be relayed in this writing. It is not important. My relationship ideals are not to be impressed upon my clients. I am not here to make them ME. I am here to help them find their way to a beautiful THEM. However, I did have this client complete all of the inventory process and after assessment I found that they were very clear and accurate about their persuasion. So building a plan that enabled their dream felt more loving than thwarting their desire to conform with the moral majority. However, it could have been quite harmful to support a stated ideal and plan without inventory. We could have had a sex addict or adoration addict that simply had mislabeled themselves to have a guilt free opportunity to consume their drug: Others. This would have destroyed their chance for real love and I would have been an accessory to the crime.
Our ideal is our ideal. But, we must work together to ratify and accurately support intuitive or confident feelings that are founded on quantitative or qualitative truth. If I am clear and my client is homosexual, then they are homosexual and we can build a plan to help them find their true fit. If they are simply gender or persuasion confused due to a desperate desire to be loved by ANYONE, then we need to help them find and support their own truth.
One of my clients was quite prolific about love partners and felt that the hedonistic lifestyle catered to her philosophy “that everything is okay to experience if it is honest”. However, after inventory and assessment her new truth was “everything is okay to experience if it is honest but being sexual with someone that I don’t love is not honest with ME”. Her inventory and reflection of the data changed her relationship ideals I did NOT. Her love ideals became closer to her true self nature and now she can be free to walk towards better joy.
If there was a rule to dating: Don’t until you are worth dating
But, who would listen to that? Most humans feel that they need to hurry and find the love that their instincts are shouting for. I need/want someone to hold me, love me, care for me and stay with me or I feel lonely and not valuable. This is written in our DNA. We have cave man desires to mate, make children and live as a family unit for safety and social care. This is actually in our genes and has been part of our hard wiring for hundreds of thousands of years. That is a difficult instinct to quell. But, just know that if you partner with anyone now, then you are going to meet YOU. If you need them to make YOU feel better about YOU then you are in for a lesson. But if you love YOU in a clear and healthy way, then you will have that reflected to you without struggle. It is gravity.
Coaching a healthy human to find themselves is a simple process
Once we have developed more character and strength in our weak instincts or abolished our addiction, then it is time to set broken partners free and let them find their new fit. How simple this can be. Of course in today’s technological society there are online dating portals and social media outlets for adults to connect with adults. Our suggestion is to not foster dishonest marketing and connect with old mirrors, but rather look for your fit where you would travel and play.
If your personality profile and ideal has a certain set of attitudes, play activities or interests we can build into our search plan the weekly process of joining particular groups that we find on meetup.com or other activity boards. If she is a climber go climb with a group and be available to bump into her mirror. If she is a church lover then join single groups and study with other like minded followers. If he is a 12 step recovery member then find the dances, conferences and activities of other sober members and simply be available to his mirror. 2-3 dates with meaningful groups that are involved in activities or ideas that speak to your nature and desires will put you with like minded humans and the worst that can happen is that they will make friends. The best thing, their fit will be in the crowd.
Being near a fit is one thing. Connecting with them is another. So many of my clients are shy and don’t know how to engage or assess. We need to teach both. We will be skill transferring the arts of:
a. How to develop a conversation track and pick up attention in a healthy way
Basic skills: Pick up a book on conversation tracks an openings in healthy dating, break down the participles of several key openers that make sense to their profile and begin the skill transfer process. The book is the demonstration and we are the teacher
b. How to get the first coffee date with a potential fit: Pick up a book on conversation tracks an openings in healthy dating, break down the participles of several key openers that make sense to their profile and begin the skill transfer process. The book is the demonstration and you are the teacher
a. How to personality profile a stranger to gage agenda and pick out potential fits: Teach the Personality Plus process of profiling to your client. Use Florence Littauer’s book (Personality Pluss) as your demonstration and you will be the teacher
b. How to read lies and get to the truth in conversation: Use the book “How to tell if someone is lying” by John Market. The book will be your demonstration and you will be the teacher
c. How to build topical intimacy and connection quickly: Study the intimacy chapter in this course and skill transfer the topical intimacy technique. The course will be your demonstration and you will be the teacher
d. How to identify and understand their life goals, ambitions, personal change style and determine if the person is a good fit: Study the agenda assessment chapter in my Life Coaching course and use as your demonstration. You will be the teacher
Armed with a new healthy attitude and set of confidence, you will only need a few skills initially to build and develop a connection with potential fits. We are not here to simply find sexual partners, so we will not be leading with that power, but rather with sincere and honest connection that attracts other like minded mirrors. The process of developing coffee dates with appropriate partner potentials is our aim and enough to get the ball rolling. Once you have developed the art of placing yourself in the line of sight of like minded human beings, built engagement skills, assessment skills and is now having coffee or lunch dates with potential partners the next step is to develop the skill of throwing fish back into the water.
If they aren’t a fit to your ideal or if they are not in a place of valuable like minded objectives then we must learn how to catch and release them. This is not rejection. This is love. Holding onto a human that isn’t right for you isn't a loving gesture. It doesn’t necessarily feel great but it absolutely will build self esteem. Having options is great, but keeping human prisoners is harmful. Harmful to the prisoner and the guard. Let them go. As soon as we ascertain that they are not for us. Even if that is in the first coffee date or 3 months later. Let them be free to find THEIR match and open our hands to receive ours. Each time a human lets the wrong fit go they build perspective. We build a clear understanding that we are not being rejected when others do the same to us. We are being honestly set free to find our correct fit. Many times a human will have many of the wanted qualities but exhibit brokenness that is relatively under control for a courting period of time and then it flares up and shows itself. We must learn to still being strong enough to let them go.
How do we know if the partner is a fit or needs to go? We conduct daily inventory on ourselves and them according to the Sex Conduct inventory that we can learn in assessment:
We have identified a conduct ideal based on passed historical failures according to 6 words:
We continue to inventory ourselves each day and them as well according to the same process of inspection. Asking ourselves if we are exhibiting these traits or if they are. If they don’t measure up to our ideals and they are exhibiting these traits then we are in a danger zone. If it is just random human mistakes then we work on them or continue patience (if they measure up to our ideal standards), but if they are continual and obvious then it’s time to let them go.
One of my clients told me that they were seeing 3 different people. She was interested in finding a life long partner and wanted a real commitment. I had her do the inventory and her short ideal list:
How she Should Act
Let them go if she wasn't attracted emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually
Be sincere and not use them
Work hard to be diligent and honest about herself
Not reject them even if she felt afraid
Be ambitious and work on herself
1. Short older man that was very sexual but didn’t want anything else
2. Younger man with tattoos that came over to the house with alcohol and was rude and pushy and judgmental
3. Much older man that was romantic and loving and wanted her as she was
She complained that she couldn’t make up her mind or decide who to keep or who to let go? We simply assessed each man against her inventory and it was quite obvious to her AFTER she evaluated them against her own inventory. Isn’t that interesting? She couldn’t see the obvious. The other two men had some value to her and so her feeling of having them was clouding her vision of WHO to let go. Wasting time on letting our broken minds fix our broken minds leads to broken decisions or indecisions.
If we truthfully assesses our experience and are honest with ourselves, then we can continue to offer ourselves valuable guidance within our relationship walk. The next step after we have identified a partner is to build intimacy and relational contentment and ultimately practice the action of love.