What is love? Love: an intense feeling of deep affection when I give someone what they need.
Love is a feeling. It is an experience. It is a deep internal connection that pulsates from inside of us. It is however not a reaction to another’s actions but rather a reaction to OUR actions. Love is abundantly manufactured from us not from others. We can have all of the love we want by simple giving it. We feel this deep affection when there is we selflessly give another worthwhile human being what they need. When we know them intimately we feel it more powerfully. When we enjoy their attributes and know them intimately we feel it even MORE powerfully and when we exchange the experience with someone else that has the exact same feeling the magnitude of the feeling explodes. We typically refer to this as two people being “IN” love.
Love is something that we give. It is the action that we take when we wish to express and ultimately feel love. We feel it by giving someone what they need. Digest that. What they need not necessarily what they want. It is wonderful to gift someone a want for their birthday or for a special moment, but real love is about providing what someone needs. That is love. Sometimes someone may need encouragement, or a hand up or perhaps a chance, and other times they need to see the truth even if it is hard, or to be let go or to be allowed to fail to learn and grow. This type of love is harder to give and is quite powerful and important. Giving respect, honesty or devotion is love. But spoiling, or keeping someone weak so that you can be strong is not. Understanding what love is and what love is not is quite important to learn before you send your client out looking for it.
The world has the concept a bit backwards. The primary concept of love is the feeling I get when you treat me so nicely, or perhaps the sensation I feel when someone is so fun, sexy, or meaningful and adores me. That is not love. That is validation and my ego feeling satiated by another human being. That sensation can run its course and fizzle out. I can eventually lose interest in the adoration or entertainment value of a new human paramour. The initial passionate fire that flares is a mating yearn that is innate in all of us, but love is something that I give. The feeling is similar to the wonderful feeling of Christmas. When I have picked out the perfect gift for someone that I love and they begin to open the package, I feel the enthusiasm of Love. The expectation of their joy. That is a small example of how love really works.
So how do we find love? We simply give it. But how do we find that beautiful, deep, life lasting partnership with love? That is much more complicated, and that is what Love and Intimacy Coaching is about. We help our clients understand what love is and how to generate an unlimited amount of it in their lives. We also help them to identify their relationship ideals and boundaries, and ultimately coach them through the process of living towards them. Each human being is very unique in how they want to be treated in a relationship. We don’t judge. We guide. However, we are here to love them in a healthy way and proffer truth. We want them to walk towards ideals that are honest and beautiful for them. Relationship partners, sexual ideals and relationship boundaries may be very different for all of us, but the act of generating love in the world is the same for all human beings. So let’s look at what love is and what love is not a bit more deeply.
What is NOT love. Giving someone harm or using them for selfish satisfaction. Ignoring the needs and satiating only wants to purchase affection. Sex. Sex is not love. Sex is something that anyone can experience. You don’t need to be in love to experience a powerful sexual moment, but if you are in love sex becomes something much more meaningful. It is like making dinner. You can make dinner for guests that you don’t care for and the food could be quite good, but if you cook a meal for someone you love, even a sandwich can seem amazing as you look into each other’s eyes and enjoy the lunch.
Love is NOT
Love is NOT holding onto someone that is wrong for you
Love is NOT enduring abuse
Love is NOT addiction or based on obsession
Love is NOT hurtful behavior
Love is NOT an exchange of wants for security
Love is NOT shallow conversation or connection
Love is NOT disrespect
Love is NOT judgement or condemnation
Love is NOT settling for the next best thing
Love is NOT about trading validation for emotion and support
Love is NOT about catering to someones broken wants
Love is honesty
Love is dedication
Love is connection and depth
Love is truth and openness
Love is humility
Love is a desire to change and grow
Love is romantic
Love is ambition for the sake of joyful abundance
Love is walking away if it is correct
Love is sharing the hard facts
Love is caring to partner
Love is admitting fault
Love is making amends
Love is facing hardships
Love is living YOUR ideal
Love is compassion
Love is forgiveness
Love is empathy
If love is something you give, then I have all the power I need to feel love all day. I can choose to give love more and more to all humans that I encounter and feel the feeling of deep connection. If I wish to love a romantic partner for a great deal of time, I will need to learn much more. I will need to remove blocks, that keep me selfish. I will need to learn how to become intimate. I will need to practice the act of giving love. I will need to be able to walk away from broken ideals or partners that don’t match me. I will need to face my fears and not run away from pain that is actually there to help me grow. I have much to learn and much to do if I wish to be in a rich and rewarding life long partnership of love and connection.
There are barriers that may need to be overcome for romantic love to develop and exist without disruption. Blocks exist in all of us and if we don’t begin the process of attacking and eradicating them, we will never know what we don’t know. We can feel that we are in love and actually not even know that we aren’t? We have the sense of joy, appreciation, romance and even friendship but ultimately we are not feeling love. The actual sensation is the satisfaction that we experience when one or more of our instincts are satiated. Our self esteem, security, social, sex or ambition instinct(s) are being supported by the actions or attributes of the love interest and it generates a lovely feeling of thrill, passion, joy etc. We reciprocate our appreciation with romance, adoration, and effort. Then when the instincts are no longer being satisfied as they long to be, we begin to feel a sense of “losing interest”, This can happen over night or years, but it will happen if we are not in a relational experience of cross sharing the actual action of love.
What are some of the blocks:
Fear of Rejection/Judgement The fear of being found wanting is terrifying to most human beings. They yearn to be accepted and appreciated and their esteem is too vulnerable and can’t tolerate being pushed away. They feel that if the individual that they are interested in rejects them then they are not an attractive human. This is not necessarily the case. The 3 reasons we get rejected:
1. We are not a match: We are unique. Some people like spicy food and some do not. Some like hip hop music and some do not. But, we are also a mixture of instinctual issues, family backgrounds, spiritual or philosophical ideals, personality profiles, interests, talents, race, persuasion and physical preferences. Can you imagine the potential honest human likes and dislike combinations there could possibly be? Now add family ideals, educational background and career and you can make the combinations even more geometric. If someone doesn’t find you a fit they could and should reject making you a potential life partner. This is not a statement about your quality, but rather a fact of the diversity in the world we live in. There is no way to find your fit if you don’t understand what YOUR needs and wants are and then put yourself out there. We have to try. Shoot for your ideal. There is not just someone for everyone. There are tons of someones for everyone, but you will never find them if you don’t risk the pain of not being a fit.
2. Unhealthy human: If either you or your interest is an unhealthy human there could be rejection. You may be a perfect fit for each other for many many reasons, but they are alcoholic, or perhaps have pervasive childhood trauma or maybe they are suffering through a tragedy and they are unbalanced emotionally. This person is not rejecting you. They simply can not accept anyone healthy right now, because they are unhealthy. It feels like being very dirty in an extremely clean room. They feel vulnerable and not worthy and will disrupt the prospective partnership with their brokenness. Perhaps you both are in the same spot. If you both are unhealthy, you might even hold on to each other for a good while, but hurt each other tragically. This will ultimately end the union in a painful separation. This is not true rejection either. This is brokenness. Broken people break things, and love can not live in hyper developed brokenness.
3. You reject: We get what we give. You have found your match but you reject them in subtle ways. Perhaps you are afraid of being physical, or you don’t share your feelings, or you avoid communication out of fear of appearing desperate. These and other actions have the appearance and affect of rejection. If you reject then you could be rejected. This is The Universal Law of Reflection. We get what we give. If you are disrespectful you will be disrespected. If you are cold then they will be distant. If you reject you will be rejected. There is no inventory of your loved one that isn’t in you at some level. Trust to be trusted. Love to be loved, but if you are not honest with yourself and investing in your match then just know that they are doing the same and ultimately the passion will run its course.
Jealousy: a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Each human has experienced this block. We are vulnerable due to low self esteem, instincts that are hyperactive and ego. We are also vulnerable due to the fact the most human beings don’t know how to find their match and give love, and yet walk away from an experience that is one sided. They hold on to others that may one day reciprocate and ultimately are hurt when the fallacy manifests in abandonment or infidelity. The most important human being to love is YOURSELF. When you raise your esteem and self love you will establish and defend more healthy boundaries and avoid broken humans that don’t wish to change. Also, one of the greatest emotional triumphs can be to develop the actual confidence of compersion: an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. This is the opposite state of being jealousy. It is the feeling of joy you would/could feel if someone that was a mismatch for you left and found their correct life partner. It is the feeling of joy you would/could feel if someone that you loved acted upon life dreams and began to realize them. It is the feeling of joy you would/could feel if someone that you truly loved found healthy happiness in loving the human beings around them. This state requires tremendous work on self. But, it is a skill and not a talent. That means that anyone can get there.
Addiction: Addiction is a craving similar to starvation. It is an insatiable wanting that can never be completely fulfilled. If someone is hurting from addiction they will devour all of the lives of those around them. They have deluded perspectives and can’t see truth. They live in a world that doesn’t actually exist and their ego is so large and their esteem so low that they crush and pound the good out of their environment. It is a thunder storm to live with an active addict of any kind. They don’t have the ability to simply stop. They can’t reduce their craving on will alone. So all of their promises to do better will ultimately fail. They will lie, manipulate and hide themselves. They will rob the home of peace and ultimately crush the passion, respect and good will over time.
That said, every addict can change. Abstinence in tandem with an effective process of recovery can restore their true sight and what is left is an amazing person with empathy, imagination and spiritual values. They become incredible individuals. This person is a rare and wonderful human to share life’s journey with if you are a fit. The only issue is their willingness to do the work and make the change. It is a difficult road at first, but it gets better and can build harmony if it is traveled with honesty and humility. Addiction is a weed that kills love’s garden but recovery is the potting soil that will develop healthy and beautiful fruit.
Fear of Commitment: Making a commitment is a powerful promise. You surrender your life to another. Imagine the magnitude of that statement. You literally surrender your freedom, choices and body to another and cease being a single human but rather part of a couple that is now THE new identity. To choose another to partner with requires courage, faith and loving work. Selfishness and unique identity will strap the growth of the couple and it can be a difficult process for many. The panic that dwells in humans that have a fear of commitment is based on threats to their instincts.
1. Their self esteem can’t withstand the potential of abandonment or rejection: (see rejection)
2. Their social instinct is worried about losing friends or not getting the correct type of (unhealthy) validation from others any more
3. Their ambition instinct is concerned about making the wrong decision and being strapped with the wrong partner
4. Their security instinct becomes afraid of being trapped in a financial prison and not being able to get away safely if need be
5. Their sex instinct may be worried that not having someone(s) else in the loom will make them vulnerable to being alone if left
These broken instincts each have their own reason(s) for being threatened. Imagine if someone has more than one hyperactive instinct with regards to vulnerability in commitment? It would feel life threatening as they got closer and closer to making the sacrifice of partnership. Many times they will self sabotage and simply date unavailable humans or the wrong humans or perhaps destroy a good fit subconsciously. These are mine fields. Without developing the strength in each of the hyperactive instincts your clients will find themselves, alone time and time again, but begging for the right person to finally love them and stay. First things first. We will need to restore these broken love limbs and help them see the truth about love if they ever truly hope to find a lasting and deep connection with another loving partner.
So the big culprits are:
If we develop our lives in these areas we can rest assured that we will find our fit and have the power to build healthy, loving and lasting partnerships.
So in Love and Intimacy Coaching we will learn:
1. How to deploy our Life assessment techniques and determine what and who we are
2. What we wish to experience in Love and Intimacy
3. What blocks or weak areas that needs to be arrested or developed
4. Build a plan to develop our instincts
5. Build a plan to guide ourselves in the pursuit of deep love
6. Assess and inventory our success
7. Refine the process and act
8. Reflect on our success
You will become a Love Master and learn how to skill transfer the art of intimacy, love and truth into another Human Being that is hungry to finally be free of loneliness or broken relationship patterns. If our we listen and follow direction we have a real chance at polishing our ability to affect matters of the heart.
Questions: Do you know what intimacy is? Are you in a good fit relationship? Do you know what your relationship ideals are? Do you yearn for more from your partnership(s)? If you are in a good healthy loving partnership then congratulations, however, how do you know what you do not know? Could inventory help you see areas of opportunity to improve? Are you suffering from any addictions? If so then you could be off track without even realizing. To skill transfer the ability to improve love you must have access to Best Practice. If you are going to be a template of demonstration, then you might farewell by taking a close look at your love life first.
Welcome to Love Mastery 101