Boundaries and Ideal Development
We need to identify YOUR relationship ideal and boundaries to govern their dating or partnership rules. Your rules are based on your unique personal profile, persuasion, and partnership objective. The strategy for identifying your relationship ideal will involve a Sex Conduct inventory, reflection of past hurts and mistakes, and a census of instinct drivers. We want to accurately assess what activities of the past have actually caused yourself or others harm as well as seek healthy objectives that strengthen your instincts and not bruise your resolve and comfort.
Your Sex Conduct
When I say sex conduct, I’m not exclusively referring to sex-play or intercourse. I am talking about our ability and experience in relating to the opposite sex. Many of us believe we have a rough idea of what is wrong (or not wrong) with our relationships. This next exercise allows SELF to see with absolute clarity what is truly going on in this area, to help us shape a healthy ideal for future relationship patterns.
Step One
We are going to conduct a 4 column inventory. We will need about 8-10 pages of paper if we have been a bit prolific, and a few less if our relationships were brief or few. That said, what constitutes a relationship? Anyone that you dated intimately for a great deal of time and/or anyone that you had sex with. Yes that even means brief one night stand encounters. We are here to get a clear picture of the truth so we are going to include all. Now if you wish to type this in excel or write on page has no bearing. The most important aspect of this inventory is to be honest and thorough.
The columns:
Who (their name)
Defect
What I did
Who Got Hurt
What I should have done Instead
Step Two
We begin with the “Who” column. From top to bottom, make a list of all women or men you’ve had a relationship and/or sex with. Make sure you include one night stands and even people whose names you can’t remember. Be honest. Some of us have shameful experiences we don’t want anyone to know about. These are the ones that need to be on paper the most! Remember, we are looking for freedom. Don’t lie to a piece of paper. Honesty will lead us to truth.
Step Three
Next, we must ask our SELF: “In my relationship with (insert “Who” names here), where was I dishonest, selfish and inconsiderate?” For example, with my ex-wife Lisa:
These items are placed in the “Dishonest – Selfish - Inconsiderate” column. Please only note these issues in abbreviated form. It is not necessary to write a story. The concept of the picture is the most important to convey, but include all answers you can remember.
Who (their name)
Defect
What I did
Who Got Hurt
What I should have done Instead
Lisa Dishonest Cheated on her
Dishonest Lied About my feelings
Selfish Missed important commitments
Selfish Only had sex the way I Liked
Inconsiderate Didn’t help in the home
Inconsiderate Made her bud of my jokes
Step Four
To continue, we must ask our SELF: “In my relationship with (insert “Who” names here), where did I create jealousy, bitterness and suspicion?” For example, with my ex-wife Lisa:
Where Did I Create … ? When …
Jealousy? I looked at other women while we were out.
Bitterness? I confessed to infidelity.
Suspicion? She found phone numbers in my wallet.
Who (their name)
Defect
What I did
Who Got Hurt
What I should have done Instead
Lisa Dishonest Cheated on her
Dishonest Lied About my feelings
Selfish Missed important commitments
Selfish Only had sex the way I Liked
Inconsiderate Didn’t help in the home
Inconsiderate Made her bud of my jokes
Jealousy I looked at other women
Bitterness I confessed to infidelity.
Suspicion Phone numbers in my wallet.
This should be an accurate description of our primary harms within relationships. Many of our various types of wrongdoing are found here. Laziness, selfishness, dishonesty, or anger issues pop up and start to form a pattern. No matter how many relationships we’ve had, we’ve never been perfect. This will lead us to discover a trend in our defects and solutions within our romantic liaisons. Answer and document all data for each question in the bedroom in the kitchen and in their lives. Be absolutely complete and honest. This is paramount. This fact finding, fact facing exercise will change you and your client.
Step Five
Now, who got hurt when we did that particular thing? Each question should be reviewed and an answer given.
Who (their name)
Defect
What I did
Who Got Hurt
What I should have done Instead
Lisa Dishonest Cheated on her Lisa/Me/The Girl/BF
Dishonest Lied About my feelings Lisa/Me
Selfish Missed important commitments Lisa/Family/Friends
Selfish Only had sex the way I Liked Lisa/Me
Inconsiderate Didn’t help in the home Lisa
Inconsiderate Made her bud of my jokes Lisa/Friends
Jealousy I looked at other women Lisa/Other Girl
Bitterness I confessed to infidelity Lisa/Me/Girl
Suspicion Phone numbers in wallet Lisa/Me/Girl
Step Six
Lastly, it is time to review our mistakes and take responsibility for our actions by looking at the opposite behavior. In other words, we use this inventory to establish our new relationship ideals. This becomes our new romance target. We work towards these goals in our future relationships.
In the fourth column “Done Different,” write a new ideal. What should you have done differently? If you could go back, how would you change your behavior? Note this on paper and be honest!
Who (their name)
Defect
What I did
Who Got Hurt
What I should have done Instead
Lisa Dishonest Cheated on her Lisa/Me/The Girl/BF Been faithful
Dishonest Lied About my feelings Lisa/Me Shared real feelings
Selfish Missed commitments Lisa/Family/Friends Been there always
Selfish Sex only my way Lisa/Me Cared for her needs
Inconsiderate Didn’t help in the home Lisa Be a partner
Inconsiderate Made her bud of jokes Lisa/Friends Been respectful
Jealousy I looked at other women Lisa/Other Girl Keep eyes on her
Bitterness I confessed to infidelity Lisa/Me/Girl Been Faithful
Suspicion Phone numbers in wallet Lisa/Me/Girl Been Faithful
After completing this section, take out a blank sheet of paper and write a relationship constitution. Using the “Done Different” section to identify your newfound ideals, write a commitment letter expressing your hopes and ideals relating to your future treatment of the opposite sex. For example:
“I will only give sexual energy to a woman I am dating and I will only date a woman I feel I have physical, emotional, mental and spiritual compatibility with. I will not have sex unless I am married. My spouse is the ONLY person allowed to touch my body sexually and I will express myself selflessly in bed and consider her needs …”
This is a short excerpt from the relationship constitution generated from all of the Sex Conduct data points. Your ideals may not be anything like mine - and that is quite alright. Your hopes and ideal boundaries may include promiscuity or multiple partners or celibacy. I am not here to dictate a sexual or relational law. I am only here to ask you to be honest in identifying your ideal. Are your rules hurting you or others? Are you at risk of sexual obsession (i.e., not having enough, or having too much)? Either way can be harmful.
Once you determine your ideal, pray or meditate for the strength each day to live it. Practice this ideal. Each evening, ask yourself how you did. Your current relational pattern cannot be controlled by simply willing it so. You need to continue the repair process to create the necessary power to overcome the issues your inner children are generating.
At night in a journal:
Was I Honest: (if not) what were the lies? Why did I hide the truth? What can I do to restore the truth?
Was I selfish: Where was I selfish? Why did I think of only me? What can I do to restore the selfless connection?
Was I Inconsiderate: Why did I hurt him/her? What can I do to make amends?
Did I create Jealousy: What was my agenda? What can I do to ease the jealousy?
Did I create Suspicion: What was my agenda? What can I do to avoid this harmful emotion in me/him/her?
Did I create Bitterness: Why did I hurt him/her? What can I do to make it right?
Work to guide yourself from harm and into the opposite feelings of these defects. If you have architected a resentment inventory and fears list then we can create a "most used" defect list from these inventories and practice the improvement of their principles. This is something that will encourage self esteem development and a sense of confidence in the world.
1. Building Principles as a tool kit most used
2. Making things right with all of the people we have harmed
We will discuss both. These two actions are designed to create a feeling of empathy for others that we have self righteously or immorally hurt for our own selfish needs/wants. We have never gotten away with bad behavior. Our Self Esteem is directly related to our harmful acts. Self Esteem is an internal report card and documents each miss act and provides a low grade or high grade internally. This is how self esteem is affected by our own actions. So imagine the opposite effect. Act better and get a higher grade. Correct the past and act better get an A!. We can bring our self esteem way up. As we affect this instinct it can begin to affect our actions in the other areas of our lives and the grades in those instincts go up as well.
If you have an accurate moral inventory in tandem with the Sex Conduct inventory completed, then you should be able to ascertain the weakest instincts within your client. The hyper active instincts will drive behavior that may or may not be healthy.
Imagine:
If you have a hyperactive sex and self esteem instinct and your Sex Conduct inventory is rich with promiscuous dating activity that is based on shallow connection (dishonest/selfish) then we have evidence of the driver of the random conquests. Your desire to satiate weak esteem from sexual validation. The driver is the rush of “good” that you may feel when a new person feels so connected that you want to bond with them physically. If you've had a more healthy way of satisfying that esteem issue, you may find that prolific sexual conquering would possibly lose its luster. The true desire is to feel “valuable”. We can begin the process of developing esteem enhancement and see if the rush for conquest becomes lessoned.
Perhaps you have a social instinct issue + abandonment trauma. This could drive you to hold on to bad matches and work extra hard to make a silk purse from a sow’s ear. Co-dependance could exist. Conduct the co-dependance test and identify if other issues lurk to work on before looking for a fit.
Sometimes we may have Security + Ambition instincts rampant. Partner this issue with a history of condemnation of past partners that have been rejected by you for not measuring up and you will find a driver that fears not being or having enough. This panic will push someone to toss lovers because they will never be able to satisfy their fear of being less than MORE. We will have to work diligently to encourage ourselves to find peace with being ambitious but not afraid. Many times the security issue taps the comfort with being okay in our heart and more is ultimately never enough. We constantly need more and more and more... What partner could measure up to this hungry driver?
Building a plan around your current state of being will only fit you with other hungry or hurt partners (mirrors). We need to open our eyes to our need for change and encourage growth and clarity. So develop the process for awakening in this order:
1. Moral Inventory: What instincts are hyper active
2. Sex Conduct Inventory: What should they have done instead based on the big 6 words
3. Relationship Constitution: What are their rules for relationship conduct based on their past mistakes reversed
4. Instincts + Defects: What drivers are affecting their relationship ideals/conduct/short falls
5. Build a quick plan: What should they work on 1st, 2nd or 3rd before refining their ideal and objective(s)
What will I accept or deny in my partner
This is an important exercise. We need to address the attributes that we find qualified and important within our ideal partner as well as the attributes or attitudes that we will absolutely not accept.
For Example:
Ideal Partner
Physical Attributes
Ideal Not Acceptable
Age: 25-40 50+
Height: 6’+ under 5’8”
Race: Not important Not US Citizen
Education: College Degree High School Drop Out
Addiction: NONE Substance/Sex/Gambling Addiction
Emotional Attributes
Ideal Not Acceptable
Honest Manipulator
Spiritual Anger issues
Compassionate Prejudice
Confident Jealous
Wise Naive
Funny Stale and boring
Sensual/Romantic Sex crazed or abstinent
Ambitious Lazy
Activity Attributes
Ideal Not Acceptable
Athletic Couch potato
Traveler Never wants to go anywhere
Reader Only watches tv
Handy in the home Doesn't know how to use a hammer
The list should be very complete and thorough. We can find an ideal set of attributes for a loving partner, and adjust our target if someone matches most of our ideals, but the non acceptable attributes are deal killers if there are 3 or more missing ingredients. Therefor, ask them to adjust their “not acceptable” attribute list if they are not truly NOT acceptable, but rather just not wonderful. A non us citizen that is a 6’4” skier, with a masters degree and a love for meditation and building bird houses could be a perfect fit if they are working diligently on their citizenship. Or perhaps, a 5’7” comedic author, that loves to see the world, prays daily, and comes with roses and a plan to build a home on a mountain top but is 6 months into his AA recovery process may be worth a second date.
The targets give us a goal and the not acceptable list helps us keep our client accountable. When they describe their new love interest we can partner with them in assessment and provide a “wait a minute” this guy is a sex addict with anger issues, why are you investing time in him? But the most interesting point will be that their ideal attributes and not acceptable attributes will possibly change after they do some work on their blocks and wake up a bit. You may find that a human will adjust their position on what is most important when they become more comfortable with themselves and the world. One of my clients was an attorney who said that her ideal had to make 450K or more per year since she did. She felt that she couldn’t respect a man that couldn’t earn as much if not more than she did. After some work she adjusted her target and felt that if her partner was ambitious and good at what he did and had confidence and wisdom that would be enough. Her new husband was a wood craftsman. He made custom furniture but only earned about 90K per year. She adored his love for his craft, his attention to detail and his entire personality. He was a perfect fit, after she made some personal changes within herself.
Now we have:
1. Our relationship rules
2. Our ideal targets and not acceptable attributes
3. The items that need to be worked on to allow more freedom and truth to emerge
4. A plan to develop these areas
5. An inventory process to assess if we are on target
With qualified and quantified ideals/boundaries we are on our way to developing a rich and rewarding love partnership